Lost in Language

September 4^th, 2019

10:49 P.M. Montevideo, Uruguay

In a few days, it will be a week since I have arrived in Uruguay. I’m pleased to say that everyone I’ve met has been nothing short of tremendously kind, and I’m in awe of Montevideo’s beauty. I’ve met some friends that I hope will flourish as time goes on, and I’m excited about the work I will be doing. That being said, it’s still all very overwhelming, so I don’t feel like I can write about anything specific yet, except the one thing that has very prominently been a battle: the language.

I have a very limited baseline of Spanish, but let me be the first to tell you that a baseline, while it is a great start, is definitely not a comfortable position to be in. Now, I know I’m going to be in Uruguay for 2 years and will hopefully be at least semi-fluent eventually, but just in these last few days I have been writing down what I’m feeling in that moment of struggle to perhaps shed some light on what it's like to be the outsider, or at least empathize with those that have been or currently are in my position.

First of all, I love to sleep. If you know me well, you know I can sleep for 14 hours, take a 5-hour nap, and still fall asleep with no problems the next night. However, in Uruguay sleep has been my worst enemy. I can still dose off with no issues, but it’s an immense problem in the morning. When I sleep, it’s like my brain resets itself into English mode. Any progress I feel like I made the day before is gone and if it's before noon, I cannot make a single coherent sentence in Spanish.

I’ve also realized how much I don’t pay attention when I’m listening/speaking with people in my own language. It’s not that I’m completely zoning out of a conversation, but in English I can plan my grocery list, wonder when/how I’m going to die due to climate change, and sing an entire musical while still comprehending everything that was said by the person I’m talking to. This revelation came about because it’s such a habit of mine that I notice I start to do it when speaking with people in Spanish as well, which is absolutely awful. Not only do I have to pay very close attention, but I have to do so with the concentration level one would need to take a high-stakes exam with similar thoughts of, “I should know this, but wow, I have no idea.”

I really enjoy talking to people that know just as minimal English as I do Spanish because it’s nice to learn alongside someone. This is something else I’ve noticed about myself. I have this large insecurity and fear of being perceived as dumb. Part of that might be the natural feeling one might have while learning a language, but I think part of it is that in U.S. culture, if you don’t already know something, you’re behind. We have a phrase that says, “There’s no such thing as a dumb question”, but there would be no need for such a phrase if we were actually honest and admit that people get shamed for asking questions that may seem “obvious” to more than half of the people in the room. It’s something I’m trying to get past, telling myself that the people who are fluent in both languages don’t believe that at all, but the insecurity is still very present and sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help.

The reality is that most people are genuinely excited for you to learn another language. But there are also times when it’s extremely frustrating for everyone involved. If you’re still reading, I must address you directly: please, if you are talking with someone trying to learn a new language, be as patient as you possibly can. We notice the slightest change in your face when all you want to say is, “Spit it out!”, even though you’re smiling and nodding. It’s so encouraging to have another person be patient and verbally affirm that we’re doing well.  

There are definite moments of, “Oh my gosh. I’m NEVER going to get this.” And then I have to remind the perfectionist in me, “It’s okay, Madeline. It’s only day 5 and you’re literally working off of 4 years of forgotten Spanish.” And trust me, that little pep talk is not used as often as it should be. And there are times when I can see what little progression I’ve made thus far. For example, when talking with my friend Elma from Mexico, I have started typing in Spanish much faster than I was before, and I’m also not using Google Translate for every message I send. It’s definitely easier for me to read and write, especially since my hearing in any language is awful, but I’m excited to write another blog post about language, hopefully complaining about how terrible my English has become because it’s not being used.