August 1st,
2019
5:29 P.M. Hastings,
NE United States
It’s been a strange last few days. I’ve traveled back to the
United States before I leave again in 4 weeks to Montevideo, Uruguay, and I
feel isolated, physically and mentally.
Let me explain.
For the last 3 weeks, I’ve spent literally every moment with
50 incredible individuals from all over the world. After learning about their lives
and why they chose the same path as me, I’m in awe. I’m so impressed by all of
them that I question as to why I was chosen to be a part of this group. Every
single person has something remarkable about them. How do you get that many
incredible people in one room together? We became a family unit. We ate every
meal together, we sat in long sessions together, and we traveled out to the
provinces of Cambodia together. We were never without one another. And we all had a
roommate as well, so believe me when I say, we were NEVER by ourselves.
As an extrovert, I loved this. As a learner, I loved this.
And when I woke up in my bed in Nebraska a few days ago, I felt uneasy. I
walked out and it was so quiet. I walked around my house wanting to see people,
but there was no one home. Even my dog was at the groomer getting a haircut. I
was literally alone. The next day I went out to run errands and I kept
imagining that I was seeing some of the people I spent so much time with in
Cambodia. I’d see their faces, do a double-take, then realize it wasn’t them.
They were in a different time zone, either sleeping or carrying on with their
own lives.
I didn’t think I was away long enough to experience reverse
culture shock, but apparently being surrounded by such a close community (even
for a short amount of time) is enough to bring it in full force.
(If you don’t know what reverse culture shock is or have
never experienced it, see this link: https://www.marquette.edu/abroad/reentry-reverse-culture-shock.shtml
)
I feel like I’ve been living in this middle space. I’m not
fully in the United States, but I’m not completely in Cambodia either; it’s a
bardo of sorts. My body is here, but my mind is there. I can feel something new
beginning, but right now I’m just sad. I’m still calling, texting, and using
every form of social media to talk with the many people that became my family,
knowing that in a few short weeks our communication will stop and I won’t see
most of them ever again. We can’t help it. It’s just reality. But it’s a hard pill
to swallow.
Every single person I talk to says the same thing.
“I miss you.”
“Are you doing okay?”
“Do you miss everyone as much as I do?”
“I feel like I’m in this space of in between."
"I don’t
know what to do with myself.”
“Love and miss you!”
Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way. Am I allowed
to feel this? It was only 3 weeks. How is it going to be after I live in
Uruguay for 2 whole years? (I don’t even want to think about that!)
Then I hear my friend Elma’s voice in my head: “We had a
great time together and so many good conversations. We’re not robots. It’s okay
to feel.” (I foresee there being several more words of wisdom coming from Elma
in future blog posts.)
Will we get over it with time? Yes. But it doesn’t mean that
it’s still not difficult. But I think sometimes we as humans figure that if we move
on as soon as possible then it will be easier to keep that happy memory with us
without being sad about it. I want to advise anyone reading this to stop doing that. Listen to
Elma. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to be sad that something good is over. I
want you to take what you feel and use it to create new spaces of goodness.
Grab ahold of the good you find. Keep it. Use it to
recognize that goodness in other places. It’s easy to think we won’t find it
again. But it does pop up. I promise. Time helps if we’re willing to work with
it.
Right now, I’m still sad. But I’m letting myself be sad. I’ve
been here before, and I’ll be here again. Because although I may struggle to have
breakfast without 17 other people surrounding me, or I’m missing the fact that
I don’t get to hear 13 different languages being spoken every day, I know that
the people that helped me feel this sadness are helping others feel joy. At
this very moment they are sharing their gifts and what they’ve learned with so
many others, and that gives me enough happiness to be okay.
Have you read my mind before you wrote this blog?? How come.....the same thoughts and feelings...? I am glad that you turned them into words Madeline.Nice work! Sorry have to say this again i am really missing you and I love you my roomie.....��
ReplyDeleteYou've offered such beautiful words of wisdom, Madeline! I am glad you are meeting wonderful people and squeezing out and savoring every bit of your experiences. You will do so much good in the world! Happy travels. I will peek in on you from time to time. Hugs to you -- Lori
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